- 1 day ago
I cant get passed how real it felt.
Being in love with him, so completely. Not even.knowing who this person really was.
How real it felt to die, hearing him. His pain.
Walking up and feeling like I’m not were I’m.supposed to be.
Wanting to sleep because maybe it will take me back to him.
I feel in love with nothing.
An imaginary thing.
Its like I’m in love with this person, but I just can’t quite remember them. Like someone took the memories or something.
Looks like in spending the afternoon at the therapist.
- 1 day ago
Maybe I am crazy.
Who wakes up, and misses someone from a dream.
Who feels empty, because of a dream.
Who gets depressed because they lost a family who wasn’t even real.
- 1 day ago
- 1 day ago
Leaving him, it hurt; waking up from that dream was painful enough that I woke to tears in my eyes, and a uneasy feeling in my gut. I loved him, or I do love him. in which context I mean that I am not sure. Who I mean that for is a question I don’t even want to ask.
I remember the first time I felt his loss, I was upset, I was crying but it wasn’t now, it was a long time ago. he looked like he was maybe 20 years old. It wasn’t the way he looked that caught me; it was how I felt about him that startled me. I was pregnant, and he was leaving, he didn’t have a choice. I don’t know what year it was but there was some kind of war, problem happening. I hadn’t planned on telling him, I distinctly remember that; i couldn’t hurt him. he had always wanted this. We were together talking, and he just seemed to understand my every thought, and feeling. I wasn’t sad or upset that I was carrying his child. I was so happy. and he knew, I didn’t tell him, he look at me, and he knew what had happened. He just smiled, and kissed me. and then he just hugged me for the longist time. And then he was gone. I could feel his hurt as he left. I felt the hurt, like if someone just took away the most important thing in the world. it was like the sun was gone and I didn’t have the means to live anymore.
the next, I would say years, went by. Although I’m not sure how long it really was. I got the impression I was sick, not fully concious, it was blur most of it. I had lost my baby. I don’t exactly know what happened.
and then one day, I was out walking with a little boy, his nephew. and he just was there, standing in front of me like he wasn’t sure if he could come near me still, with out thinking I ran to him, so eager to be in his arms it didn’t matter that I was scared. I think that’s when I started to cry in my bed, i had missed so much, i couldn’t even begin to explain the amount i loved this man.
we didn’t get married, i got the impression that in those times it was more of a choice two people held up. It didn’t matter we loved each other so much it didn’t matter.
The moment he somewhat let me go, stopped hugging me I knew what he wanted, I knew the question that he was about to ask me. And before he could I broke down and I started crying, no bawling, I remember that thinking about it made my stomach hurt. And he understood; like he always had. He asked anyways. “ our baby?” this wasn’t the question he was going to ask first, this time it was him processing there was no longer a baby.
I guess I skipped months ahead again, I remember we now had this little house, things were more modern now. We kept trying to have baby, and it wasn’t working. But we kept trying, and we tried over and over again. Everywhere, and this part of the dream was where I wasn’t aware I was dreaming, every time we had sex, every time he came, every time I came I felt that, so real. Every touch, ever breath was not in a dream like slow motion. I felt there, I felt real, I felt, so in love with this, person,
Eventually I got pregnant, he was beyond excited. He wanted this for so long, he would tell me that sometimes he was so scared he would never
see me again, that he would never get to be with us.
And then something terrible happened.
Never in my life have I had a dream not wake me up when I felt actual pain. This, was not the case.
I remember I didn’t feel well. I was huge, probably 8 or 9 months pregnant. I remember what it felt like to go in to labor. I remember at that point thinking to myself I wanted to be asleep, I didn’t want to feel this; I was wishing that it was dream, this part. I was dreaming, and I was wishing that I was dreaming. The thing that made it all feel so real was the time, nothing seemed rushed, everything seemed to be going just as fast or slow as real life. And when that baby started to come, the hours of real pain I felt. I don’t understand how I was dreaming, how with so much pain, I didn’t wake up. I was so scared, and worried, because he didn’t know how to help me. And the look on his face. I hated it. Because I knew why he was scared. I died. I died, and the last thing I heard was crying. The baby, and him. He was screaming at me, to stay awake. But I couldn’t. I died, and then, I woke up. In my bed screaming to let me go back to him, like it was real. Crying, because I left him. Them. I don’t even want to leave my bed, because I miss them. Because I feel like I just lost everything that mattered. And it was a dream. I feel. Guilty. Like I cheated, I feel like I’m in love with something that doesn’t exist. And I don’t even know his name, or exactly who he was. But I can’t stop crying because it felt so real. All I can think about his how to get back. How to feel that way again. And it was a dream. A god damn dream. But it dint feel like one.
- 3 days ago